30th May 2009

I felt miserable, unable to concentrate on studies afterall, Randy told me that he regretted agreeing to the 1 month consideration period after i told him about Ray felt that the chances at less than 1%, he told me straight of in the face that the chances of him coming up to me is merely 0.01%, I really regretted calling him this afternoon, I should have left it be at msn, things would have been better.

I went out to meet up with cat and Al for lunch at around 1 plus since my own mind is only full of Randy and accompany her to do some shopping for her PJ party. Didn't eat much like the past few days, didn't had any appetite, my parents are both worried about, but I didn't had a choice, the more I forced myself to eat the more I feel like puking, I simply can't eat. Spend time with Cat for the whole afternoon, felt bad because it was suppose to a couple time thingy for Al & Cat, but he was really understanding, thanks Al.

Met up with Raymond & Shinvy at night for dinner because I didn't wanted to spoilt Cat's party, but didn't have appetite so Ray finished my beef hor fun. I went home after that while they went to Cine to catch their movie. Went online when I am home, read Randy's blog, he blog about the sunny girl, the new girl that he has, my heart simply dropped, it felt like it will stop anytime, he making the effort to pick her up was all worth well becoz she was so happy, that used to be how I felt all the time when Randy came over to pick me up from school, will I ever had the day ever again? I can't take it, starting crying, called Connie and talked to her about it, she used her third party point of view to look at things that are happening and talked to me. She told me that maybe I should give Randy more time to think about things, maybe he will come back. Hopefully he will really come back to me after sometime.

29th May 2009

Had lots of mixed feelings today, went over to jayson's place today, help him with spray painting of his exhaust, had a good chat with him, actually I kind of asked him to be my fling yesterday, decided that I will go over this morning, but while I was on the cab, I feel seriously uneasy, I started doubting my decision, especially after seeing the cab driver turning into farrer road, which is the route that I will usually take when I am going over to Randy's place, got the urge to ask the driver to drive me to Bishan instead of CCK.

Decided that maybe I should call Randy, and we had a small chat, he said that he is still unsure if he loves the girl that he is dating now, I asked him about the 3 weeks suggestion that he made previously, if I will to give him one month time off to sort his feelings out, will he reconsider coming back to me, he say he might, so I decided to give him one month, and now my hopes are up again, but at the same time, I m afraid that he is simply giving me false hopes and I will more disappointed and depressed when one month later he said that he loves the girl and won't be coming back to me. He also said that I have to work on being more confident, independent and positive thinking. I think so too, and I think i should also tone down on my emotions, which might be hard to achieve in 1 month time but I will try my best. Hopefully things will work out the way I want and he won't change his mind after seeing the girl tonight.

Accomplishment for the day: I ran & brisk walk for 2.4km in 26 mins, hopefully I can do better the next time...

28 May 2009

If Randy didn't broke up me with, today would be our 4 years and 5 months anniversary, I really want him back, but he won't give in. Meshelle was saying that he might have been planning the break up for very long le, he just need to find time to say it to me. My heart drop after hearing that.

For now, if he will ever come back to me, I won't request for anything for him, I will just listen and try to know what he wants, I really cherish him this much. I just need him with me. Mesh also said that we girls shouldn't let guys look down on us, but I can't, and I should just leave him alone cause if I continue pestering him, he would just leave me and not contact at all. For me now, I would rather see that he is online, know that he is home rather than break all contact with him. I really just want him back...

27 May 2009

I feel very 痛苦, I feel like dying, just end my life here, I really really love Randy, but he broke up with me.., Why? Because we have different views? I change, I can change into everything he is looking for, I just want him back.

We talk about treating one another as close friends as brother and sister, that is the best I can get out of him, but this afternoon when I talked him, I wanted to called him hubby, I didn't dare, I am scare that he will ban me from his friend's list again. Everyone is trying to talk me into giving up since once he has made a decision he dun change it, but I can't, I really can't accept it. He has even took back his house keys from me. He said that he is seeing another girl, but I dun believe him, I trust him that he won't do it, but there are so many evidence in hand. I really dunno what to do.. I want him back. I really want him back.

24th May 2009

A huge bomb came to me today, I called my ex boyfriend wanting to patch things up, he kept saying its over, I keep encouraging saying we should try again, we patch things back and try it out again, and all of a sudden, he told me he had another girl le, I was shocked at first I didn't believe, so I called him, and I heard a girl chatting quite loudly in the background. I asked him where is he, he said he was at Suntec with his girlfriend, I asked is he serious, he said yes and after prompting he said that he actually started about 5 weeks ago, which is the time when he was still with me, I asked him what is so good about her, he said that at least they have the same goals, interested and hobbies, so they can communicate and get along better. What more can I say? I even went to the extend of begging him to return to me, he didn't even consider, he just said NO. Guess there is nothing I can do about this relationship anymore.

23rd May 2009

Lots of thing have happen recently, my boyfriend and I broke up after an argument about me not to wanting to get married and have kids, he said that since our goals of life is no longer the same what's the point of going on, so I agreed to it even though I 不舍得, it has been a 4 year plus relationship, who will give up willing? At least I don't.

But it seems that the trauma in my life hasn't end after my breakup, I had a huge fight with my dad today over some small matters. He is being seriously ridiculous he said that I was being rude when I walked away while he was talking to me half way, but the fact was I walked away because he paused for a long time, so I thought he is finished accusing me of doing the things I did not do. I have no one to turn to, it seems that no one will understand how I feel, not even my sis and mama.

At the same time exams are coming as well, I am been trying to study, but nothing to seems to get into my mind, I am really trying my best le, but I can't even remember a single thing. Why am I such a stupid and dumb person, Why can't I remember anything that I had studied.

The worst are not over yet, I was going through facebook just a while ago, was at my now ex-boyfriend profile, one of his friend asked him what happen afters noticing him changed his relationship status to single, and his reply was 兵变, I didn't fall for another guy when he was in camp, he is the one who initiated the breakup because of the differences we had in our future goals, Why do I get all the blame, why did he have to do that? I seriously don't understand.