4th June 2009

Feeling Emo again, was really afraid of the weekends, cause I will simply stuck at home, can't do anything, and I have to study for my papers. Last night I had a lot in mind, I am starting to have doubts about him coming back to me, mainly cause of the 0.01% chance that he said last week. Humph, so have been feeling kind of down the whole night. But today, although I am emo, but like what min min and cat said I should simply believe in the things that I am doing and the decision that I make, so I am simply going to wait and hope he comes back, will be looking at the brighter side of things now, like the things that I wanna do with him. Maybe he is reading my blog, maybe he is not, but I know that I will be restricting myself from reading his blog, so as not to hurt myself. While these are some of the things I wanna add to the list:

1. I wanna go Marina barrage with him, wanna ask him to teach me how to fly a kite
   
2. I wanna go to the Alexandra Bridge with him, holding his hands and walking all the way from alexandra to Mount Faber
3. I wanna go Kayaking with him, it's something that I have never done before, think might be interesting.
   
4. I wanna learn swimming, seriously learn, let him teach me...
   

3rd June 2009

Just woke up from bed, feeling extremely emo again, dreamed about Randy the whole of last nite, so didn't catch much sleep, I have a paper this afternoon at 3pm, wonder how will it go, my brain is kinda of empty now, hopefully I can squeeze as much info as possible into my mind now. Thinking of taking cab to RJC later for my paper, hopefully the route there won't affect me much and the rain will stop soon, raining day = sad day for me now hopefully it doesn't rain anymore for the next 1 month. On top of that, guess I will stop myself from reading Randy's blog anymore, it's hurting me, it is so hurtful that I felt I cannot survive anymore, currently most of the post on his blog are about the girl that my heart tells me don't exist, haiz... wonder what can I do anymore. All I know is I will still be loving him and missing him until the day that he comes back.

Some insects bite me in my left thigh, and it is currently swollen, dunno what to do with it, guess I will just leave it there and hope that it will get better ba. Won't be running today, will be studying for my paper this afternoon and the paper tomorrow, I really need lots of luck to pass this time around, Wish me luck...

My audit paper was a screwup, when I was in there, the only thing I remembered was RANDY SEAH, feel like simply write RANDY SEAH on every sheet of paper and submit it, and guess what after coming out of the exam hall, the first one I wanted to call was randy, but restricted myself from doing that, so I called Cat instead, then I realized she was sick, poor cat, sick but no one to take care of her, her stupid doctor didn't give her any medication due to her allergy to aspirin. Came home at about 8, tried studying but didn't manage to absorb much.

Went online for a little while, talked to randy for a bit, I asked him can I date a guy in the mean time while waiting for him to return? His answer was a big big bomb, he said that if he will to say he won't mind it will hurt me, but if he said that he mind he will give me hope, then I asked him what about the 1 month that he had agreed to isn't that giving me hope? He replied depends on how I looked at it. I told him straight that to me, it means hope and he will come back to me one month later and I am trying really hard for our future. Humph, but now I keep wondering what will my paper be like tml.

Accomplishment: Although I didn't do crunches or run today. But I am happy with myself coz I managed to stop myself from reading Randy's blog, think that will be one of my daily aim from now. No point breaking my heart and making myself emo.

2nd June 2009

Today have been a day of hell for me, tomorrow is my first paper and its audit and I am not in the mood to study, been talking to Randy this afternoon, he asked me 'You dun like me blogging about sunny ar?', my reaction was WTF, obviously I dun like about it, he is blogging about the girl he left me for, but I told him even if I dun like, with his character he will still do it, but in the end I told him straight in the face that I didn't like it, and guess what he blog about her again. My emotions are fluctuating here and there, at times I am down and at times I am ok, cat said that he is simply screwing my mind. AHHHHHHHHHH... It's getting to me, My heart keeps telling me that the girl is fake, but why does he still have to screw with my brain... Why does he have to do this to me????

But what Min said is true, no matter what, this month has to pass, I might as well concentrate on my studies and see how things goes. I will still love him and miss him throughout this month and I hope that no matter how harsh his words are, he feels the same way for me as well, At least I know that at the end of this one month I will be finally be at peace with myself, for better or for worst.

1st June 2009

Spent the day worrying about the new girl that Randy is with now, wonder if she is real or fake, but after thinking so much, I decided to follow my heart and believe that the girl wasn't true, that Randy just wanna use her to spite me to make me move on. But just to let him know, I will be waiting no matter what.

Was really down from afternoon till at night at around 9 plus, talked a bit to Min about what is going on, she really gives good advices although she keep scolding Randy, saying that he is not worth it. Randy replied one of my sms and said that we shouldn't meet up at all, coz a deal is a deal and the term is one month no contact, after receiving the sms I felt relieved, I didn't know why maybe because I felt that I still have a chance. In the mean time what I can do is try to concentrate on my exams and go do what I have to do which to slim down and lose weight so that I will gain confidence as well as think positively and work on being independent and my emotions.

Accomplishments of the day: I completed 2.4km in 24.54 mins, hopefully I will get better, I did 30 crunches was well.

31st May 2009

Things hasn't settle down yet, had been feeling more and more miserable, talked to mama about what has happened recently, told her not to hate or dislike Randy, cause I still want him back. She was so pek chek with me, that she keep saying negative things. She even asked me a simple question, if my dad will to disagree about our relationship and seriously stop me from marrying him, and to the extend that If I do married him, he will disowned me, What will I do? I said that I will still go ahead with the wedding and hope that they will someday see the good points about him. This is how much I loved Randy, but I doubt he knows about it. He doesn't seem to care, got a feeling that he is avoiding me now. What should I do? All of my friends keep asking me, if the girl that he was talking about is real, do I really still want him back ? My answer is yes. All of them think I am stupid and blind, but Love is blind. Currently, lot of things have been passing through my mind, I was only hoping that he will come back to me, and if he really come back what are the things that I will do, the following is the list that I have come out with:

1. Talked to my dad about our relationship, and let him know that no matter if he object or not I will still wanna be with randy.
2. Bring our relationship to the open, in the sense that I will bring him out to meet my family and relatives.
3. Go hiking with him, whether is it The alexandra bridge, Bukit Timah or Mount Faber, the decision is up to him, I have already got the shoes ready for a long time le.
   
4. Spend more time with his family, I will tell daddy I will meeting Randy every sunday, then I will try to have dinner with Randy's parents every weekend.
5. Accompany him on his real gacha trip no matter how tight time is.
6. Go gym and swimming with him at least once every 2 weeks
7. Stop being too sticky to him, and not forcing him to do the things that he didn't like.
8. Listen to what he has to say, and do the things that he has requested for in front of him, instead of at his back.

There are still many many more that i wanted to add to the list, in fact the list is so long that I feel that I really can't live without him. What can I do? What can I do so that he can simply give me another chance to prove my love for him again?

30th May 2009

I felt miserable, unable to concentrate on studies afterall, Randy told me that he regretted agreeing to the 1 month consideration period after i told him about Ray felt that the chances at less than 1%, he told me straight of in the face that the chances of him coming up to me is merely 0.01%, I really regretted calling him this afternoon, I should have left it be at msn, things would have been better.

I went out to meet up with cat and Al for lunch at around 1 plus since my own mind is only full of Randy and accompany her to do some shopping for her PJ party. Didn't eat much like the past few days, didn't had any appetite, my parents are both worried about, but I didn't had a choice, the more I forced myself to eat the more I feel like puking, I simply can't eat. Spend time with Cat for the whole afternoon, felt bad because it was suppose to a couple time thingy for Al & Cat, but he was really understanding, thanks Al.

Met up with Raymond & Shinvy at night for dinner because I didn't wanted to spoilt Cat's party, but didn't have appetite so Ray finished my beef hor fun. I went home after that while they went to Cine to catch their movie. Went online when I am home, read Randy's blog, he blog about the sunny girl, the new girl that he has, my heart simply dropped, it felt like it will stop anytime, he making the effort to pick her up was all worth well becoz she was so happy, that used to be how I felt all the time when Randy came over to pick me up from school, will I ever had the day ever again? I can't take it, starting crying, called Connie and talked to her about it, she used her third party point of view to look at things that are happening and talked to me. She told me that maybe I should give Randy more time to think about things, maybe he will come back. Hopefully he will really come back to me after sometime.

29th May 2009

Had lots of mixed feelings today, went over to jayson's place today, help him with spray painting of his exhaust, had a good chat with him, actually I kind of asked him to be my fling yesterday, decided that I will go over this morning, but while I was on the cab, I feel seriously uneasy, I started doubting my decision, especially after seeing the cab driver turning into farrer road, which is the route that I will usually take when I am going over to Randy's place, got the urge to ask the driver to drive me to Bishan instead of CCK.

Decided that maybe I should call Randy, and we had a small chat, he said that he is still unsure if he loves the girl that he is dating now, I asked him about the 3 weeks suggestion that he made previously, if I will to give him one month time off to sort his feelings out, will he reconsider coming back to me, he say he might, so I decided to give him one month, and now my hopes are up again, but at the same time, I m afraid that he is simply giving me false hopes and I will more disappointed and depressed when one month later he said that he loves the girl and won't be coming back to me. He also said that I have to work on being more confident, independent and positive thinking. I think so too, and I think i should also tone down on my emotions, which might be hard to achieve in 1 month time but I will try my best. Hopefully things will work out the way I want and he won't change his mind after seeing the girl tonight.

Accomplishment for the day: I ran & brisk walk for 2.4km in 26 mins, hopefully I can do better the next time...